Mallus: A North Indian perspective

Back in 1940’s our world witnessed a (not so)great event called WWII. It is nothing but just a power tussle between some big (‘fatman’) countries (as they call themselves) during which many aam aadmis (“little boy”) lost their lives for no reason. Even if you don’t know anything about the event, there is atleast 0.01% keedanu chance of you having heard about this insane dictator called ‘Hitler’. Everyone hates Hitler,it’s a fact. It doesn’t matter whether your ancestors got cooked in his German made pressure chamber or not. We have been taught history worldwide in such a way (Even in Germany). Any discussion on Hitler will somehow end up about the hatred the world has towards him. Much like a GenZ Indian commie kid’s friendly talks ending up by recalling the event of 1975. Its strange when you know that Stalin (not the Tamil Nadu CM) has actually killed more people than Hitler(oh no, its not my finding, some capitalist countries told it) and is pompously hailed by comrades even today. So, the lesson that history teach us is very simple. Whatever shit you do, always try to end up at the winning side( fatman).This can help you skip the blame and shame for atleast 75 years( I am not sure about the future). Have a fun read

Who are mallus? I asked to my north Indian friend.

Mallus are Madraasis who speaks Telugu, he answered confidently.

I don’t remember how many times I have corrected my north Indian (not all) friends about this.

“Arrey Yaar! This “Madrasi” thing was before Independence (Madras Presidency). There is no such thing today. There are five states in South. In Kerala they speak Malayalam. In Tamil Nadu they speak Tamil. In Karnataka they speak kannada. In Andhra and Telengana they speak Telugu. Do you get it?” I asked him again

‘Yes”, he replied (Ok, happy me)

“Now tell me, Who are mallus?” I asked him again ( hoping for a correct answer this time)

“Mallus are Madraasis who speaks Telugu”, he answered again, so confidently.

( My mind voice sang… Malare ninne..)

Every South Indian who did spend some years in north India(no matter which state you are from), atleast once for sure, would have saddled this Madrasi tag. I actually like that word, but not when someone calls me. Why are these people not at all aware about these general things?.I don’t know. They are the ones (not all) who unnecessarily shouts” ‘Nation wants to know, Nation wants to know’ all the time, but knows nothing about it. Arre Waah! Sometimes these madrasi tag reminds me of all those pinches and impositions in Omana Miss’s Social Science classes. Why? Omana Why? To bear this trash talks. Oh my Godu’. How can people be so ignorant about such basic facts? Is it because they consider the Education they recieved as ‘Shiksha’? Not sure about that.

Anyway, we intelligent mallus over the years have found a solution for this serious problem. Now all north Indians( inside and outside the state of Perumbavoor) are collectively termed as ‘ Bengalees ‘ . So we will call it even (Ippo Engane irikkanu?). Bengalees from Bengal, Bihar, Odisha, Madhya Pradhesh and Utopian Pradesh( yes! I’m afraid of UAPA).

Talking about the Intelligence, these north Indians (not all) has an incorrect perception about us. Once my friend told that her hostel warden at College (let it be in Utopian Pradesh) used to mock mallus saying that in Kerala even monkeys would read news paper. It is upto us, whether to take it as a joke or compliment. I prefer to take it as a compliment,while she was a bit upset on those comments. But I think I can justify my way of perception. See, I’ve read some scientific reports citing how monkeys reflect human behaviors. So whenever you learn something you learn it from masters, say Politicians(because they represent). In Kerala, most of our leaders are literate, well educated and politically empowered. I’m sure that they all read atleast two newspapers a day (including their party paper). So a monkey trying to imitate him also does it. While in north India they jump from one party/branch to another as their representatives does. So don’t be surprised, if you see some monkeys residing in resorts playing politricks in near future . Planet of the apes: mission- destabilising democracy.

Another thing that is closely associated with intelligence is literacy rate (don’t ask me why?). It’s a worldly known fact that Kerala has 100% literacy rate. I think north Indians knows this better than mallus. Because whenever any dirty news from Kerala, gets a status update as ‘Nation wants to know’, suddenly trolls start flooding in social media circles. Even with 100% literacy rate, this is what happening in the state of Kerala. Unfortunately I was in my lab when some literate guy from Kerala literally fed an elephant with a pineapple stuffed with crackers in the month of May 2020. It is sad, that elephant died. But more hurting was my fellow colleagues who started updating their WhatsApp Status like a train. their status content can be summarised this way “This is what is happening in Kerala: the God’s own country” (being agnostic I’m not sure about that tag line). How could well educated people act like that-utterly inhumane? said one PhD scholar, who hates ahmmadeans (But he is a humanitarian). Education and commonsense? what bakwaas? these people really think that having 100% literacy makes us well educated (in real sense, not just attending school). I really don’t get the rationale behind those stupid thoughts. Most intelligent person I’ve ever met is a middle class guy from one of the BIMARU states having less than 70% literacy rate. Ok! even if we have 100% literacy rate and are well educated, can’t men be stupid at times (or every time). Few months back, when there were riots in Delhi none of these labwaalas were worried about that issue (didn’t even updated their status on WhatsApp). A year ago, when called for protesting against CAA–these PhD scholar told me he don’t want to be in trouble. How humane it is? Ayya en Chellam. I wish I had more fluency in speaking Hindi, only to slap these kid of stupids through words.

Godu, heard my wish. Soon representatives pushed an idea for imposing Hindi. Obviously it spurred another debate between me and my fellow colleagues. Nice. Nice. In our constitution we have non-justiciable directive principles of state policy enshrined in part IV. There are some outside its fence. One among them is article 351 in part XVII. It is about the development of Hindi Language. It says “It shall be the duty of the Union to promote the spread of the Hindi language and to develop it so that it may serve as a medium of expression for all the elements of the composite culture of India”. Luckily none of my colleagues knew this (I doubt whether they know about the existence of book itself). However, this helped me to get an edge over them. But they won’t accept their stupidity.

Why can’t you learn Hindi? asked a colleague from Chhattisgarh, who didn’t know Chhattisgarhi.

Because I don’t want to, that is it.” I replied

Oh boy, you can’t just leave it like that, Hindi is our national language. You must learn” Says another guy from Uttarakhand, who can’t speak Garhwali.

Ok! let me be clear about it. First of all, there is no such thing as National Language in our country (as per the constitution). Secondly, what we have is two official languages ‘Hindi’ and ‘ English’. I prefer English, because its easy for me. Also it is not that I am against any language. Learning new language is a good skilling. But to do it or not is my discretion. The one I have regarding to my food choices( mmm kettittnd kettittnd). I hope you get it . Also please don’t debate this issue with our Tamil friends. They may not have the patience I had”… ta ra ta raaa….(some body please play a good background score to elevate my mass scene)…Oh! wait. I hear something. It is my mind voice “Attaboy! glad that you didn’t under mine our mallus, who after graduating in English language pays for coaching classes to get through IELTS. By the time we all learn Hindi, sixth mass extinction would have completed”.

NITI Ayog might be releasing reports yearly to compare and rank our states on different parameters. But that is their duty to enhance competitive federalism. We as citizens don’t need to copy that. You know why? All Indians are our brothers and Sisters. We are one.

Yes! We are no different. Unity in diversity is what I meant. If you have Hathras, we have Walayar. If you have Akhlaq, we have Madhu, If you eat leaf curry, we eat ***f curry. If you can’t understand, please don’t judge. Live and let live.


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